what_we_lost | ( open post. ) vol. 3

[ Steve knew in the back of his mind that Bucky would be okay out there. The logical part of his brain knew that he'd be fine, even if the worst possible outcome happened to the rest of the team out there. In a lot of ways, they'd both been taking care of themselves for long before all this. The emotional part was caught up in his own demons.

"We can go home." Peggy's voice still ringing in his ears. It'd felt so real. It's not like they've really had a break since then. Ultron was still out there. Still plotting and planning with the Avengers as his focal point of rage. He had to swallow it down as best he could, keep moving, and keep going. There was too much at stake.

By the time it's all said and done? Exhaustion doesn't cover it. Away from the cameras and news crews trying to get a picture or record a few words, he feels heavy. It's bone-deep and aching through him and his chest feels tight with emotion reminiscent when he used to have attacks before all this. He drops the shield to the bed, slowly working off his gloves where they join it, and wiping a hand through the sweat and grime on his face.

His ma used to fuss and make hot water bowls from the kettle on the stove and make him sit there with a towel over his head. Bucky would sit with him when he could've been out with anybody else, never listened when Steve would insist he go on without him. He could always catch up later. There's a glimpse of movement out of the corner of his eye and looks up sharply, tense but the added adrenaline at this point barely does a thing. "Imagine it."

He doesn't have to. He already knows what it looks like. ]

Buck.

[ Bucky's spent the last days hiding himself and trying to prepare for a reality without Steve Rogers. It's seemed more and more like a possibility and he's calmed himself by leaning into logic and making plans for how he'd contact the handful of people left out there who could help him if none of the Avengers make it.

The thing is that Bucky knows Steve's life isn't safe, but this is the closest he's come to really not coming back. It's bad enough that Bucky doesn't let himself breath until he knows Steve's in the building. He doesn't believe Steve's alive until he's got his own eyes on the man. ]

You look like shit.

[ There's a tension he still can't quite let go of as he steps into the room. Steve looks like he's been to Hell and back, but somehow Bucky doesn't think he's ever looked better. ]

[ When Steve had made that call, it was an eventuality they'd prepared for but he hoped they'd never have to actually execute. They go out on dangerous missions all the time. Taking out Hydra a base at a time isn't exactly easy.

On Sokovia it'd been different. It finally drove the point home that this could be it. He was comfortable with his choice. That wasn't the hang-up. Leaving Bucky behind was. Even for his adamant refusal to leave---

Those four words break through the buzzing thoughts in his brain and he gives a tired huff of laughter, head ducking. ]

Better than how I feel, then.

[ Except he feels like the weight of the world is off his shoulders at seeing his best friend standing right there. Safe. Alive. He doesn't realize he's moving until he's across the space between them and dragging the other man into a tight hug, chin ducked to press his face against his shoulder. ]

I don't think stealing a shirt and a baseball cap constitutes a disguise.

[ Bucky wraps his arms around Steve, lose at first and then tighter. He turns his head to press his nose into Steve's neck and just stands like that. There's so much he wants to say, but it's all either too much or not enough for everything they've been through.

Steve isn't just a link to a lost life decades ago. He's Bucky's family and his connection to his humanity. He'd brought Bucky back from the brink. ]

Half the things you do don't constitute as plans, but you don't see me complaining.

[ A pause, because he's still holding onto Steve with a grip that only a super soldier could break. ]

Much.

[ He pulls back just enough to flash a small smile at Steve. ]

You look like you could use a hot bath.

[ There's a security in the tightness of his arms. Something he hasn't lost through everything. There used to be a larger difference and that's still a little strange to think on. Easy enough to let go as he breathes out a shaky sound of relief.

This was close. Maybe too close. ]

Half is generous, we both know that.

[ Plus, if it isn't Bucky complaining then it's probably Tony. Or Nat. Or Sam. When Bucky leans back, he's a little surprised at the stinging that pricks at the corners of his eyes and reaches up to cup his friend's cheek. He blows out a breath that puffs up his cheeks comically. ]

That sounds incredible, actually. Only I'm pretty sure I'll fall asleep if I try that.

[ Steve's so much bigger now. Not just bigger than he used to be but bigger than Bucky. It's strange to think that all the muscle he can feel in his arms belongs to that scrawny little punk, but Steve's face is always the same, even if it's more filled out. There's something in his eyes, in the way he smiles, that brings Bucky back to harsh Brooklyn winters and hot summers. He remembers bundling Steve in blankets and trying to pose for his drawings and all the little moments that built a life between them. ]

Bed first, then.

[ Even with Steve's new size, some things don't need to change. Bucky can still bundle him up. With all the worry he's felt, it's nice to finally have a constructive outlet to put that energy towards. Besides, Steve's taken care of him an awful lot lately. It's about time he repays the favor.

Taking care of Steve just feel right, so he pushes him gently towards the bed and pushes the shield and gloves out of the way when they're in reach. ]

Lie down.

[ Sometimes it's still a surprise to Steve, waking up like this even after all this time. Like it's some weird fever dream. So many seasons between them with their own challenges. Jumping in the river when it got too hot, Bucky making him walk home in soggy shoes just to make sure he didn't end up stepping on some glass or a rusty nail and end up in a bad way. All the spring starts that ended up with him stuck indoors or worse. How he tried to make him laugh in ways that wouldn't end in a too painful coughing fit. ]

Buck---

[ A half-hearted protest at best. He doesn't have anything left in him for a fight which is telling enough. He doesn't know if he would've backed off so easy at his old size or if it's all just catching up to him now. Right now he feels old.

He lets his friend usher him towards the bed and works on trying to get out of the rest of his uniform as he trudges the couple of steps along. ]

I'm at least getting out of this mess that used to be a uniform first.

[ Bucky just nods. He'll make sure Steve is cleaned up later, but for now, he's going to get him undressed and wrapped in the blankets. Just like old times.

His mind still feels like Swiss cheese some days, but taking care of Steve is something he very much remembers, so he gets to work helping Steve out of his clothes and boots. He's not sure how he keeps his hands so steady, because he still feels wired from worry and wrung out with relief that Steve is here, but he treats undressing Steve like an important project, impossible focus on each zipper and strap, and it's not until Steve's mostly undressed that he steps away, going to get a towel from the bathroom and running it under the faucet.

If Steve doesn't want to bath, Bucky's at least going to wipe his face down. ]

C'mere.

[ So much has changed in the world. So many things have happened to the both of them, separately and together (though mostly separate), and yet they still have this. They still find these moments. Something that still feels close to old times.

Before it all went awry.

If this, something as simple as getting out of clothes and into bed is a kind of thing that helps Buck? Then he's happy enough to give over. He's also probably the only person in all of creation that can get away with this and not leave him feeling impossibly exposed. Probably comes with the territory of the other guy having seen you in nothing but his skin plenty of times when he was too sick to look out for himself. ]

You say that like I have a choice.

[ But he goes over easily enough. ]

[HEY HEY. Couple of AU ideas! We can figure something else out too if neither of these work for you!

1. This scene! but hearing his name breaks through to him enough that he panics and hauls it. Steve finds him before Hydra does.

2. Early on in the civil war timeline or slightly before it, Bucky seeks out Steve instead of staying on his own.]

( open post. ) vol. 3

( for lednikovyy. ) "𝙞'𝙢 𝙝𝙤𝙢𝙚."

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